Whiskey

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of
his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with
him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the
husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one
shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately
spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know
how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out
enjoying myself every night!"

Viruses

Coming to a hard drive near you, the worst computer viruses yet:

-- AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service
you're getting.

-- MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying
too much for AT&T virus.

-- Paul Revere Virus: Warns of impending hard disk attack--once if by
LAN, twice if by C:\>.

-- Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus." Instead,
it's an "electronic microorganism."

-- Government Spokesman Virus: Nothing works but all your diagnos- tic
software says everything is fine,

Jesus christ, God all mighty!!

A boy was walking home from getting groceries when he slipped and fell in the mud. He shouted: "Jesus christ, God all mighty!!" A church minister happened to be passing through, with his hands at his hips and his brows curled, with a stern voice he demanded: "What did you say, young man!?" Tthe boy, shaken, surprised and embarrassed at being caught, quickly thought his escape, replied: "Ahhhm, cheese and crackers got all muddy!"

Dementia Test

Test for Dementia Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question.
You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer
all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really
are.

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What
position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely
wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you
are second! To answer the second question, don't take as much time as
you took for the first question.

Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are
wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

Third Question:

Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT
use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to
it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20.
Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total? Scroll down for
answer.

Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe
it? Check with your calculator!

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Nunu?

NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again...

Retirement

For over 40 years, my grandfather put in long hours at his job, so I
was more than a little curious about the way he filled his days since
his retirement. "How has life changed?"

A man of few words, he replied, "Well I get up in the morning with
nothing to do, and I go to bed at night with it half done."

How did u loose your eye???

A pirate goes into a bar and the bartender says: "Long time since I've
seen you, man, you look terrible." The pirate says: "I feel fine."

The bartender says: "Well, you didn't have that wooden leg last time I
saw you." "Well, I got into a battle and a cannon ball hit me in the
leg, but I'm ok."

"Well, you didn't have that hook on your arm either." The pirate says:
"Got in a sword fight and lost my hand."

The bartender says: "What about the eye patch?" The pirate replies:
"Well, a bunch of sea gulls flew over the boat and when I looked up
one of them shit on my eye." The bartender says: "How did that make
you lose your eye?" The pirate replies: "It was the first day with the
hook."

Instead of a Nursing Home

There will be no nursing home in my future........

When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise
Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have
checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount
and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the
restaurant, or I can have room service ( which means I can have
breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free
washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra
$5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress
replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your
inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on
Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will
upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama
Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to
go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a
nursing home, just call shore to ship.

Lying Politician

A politician was running for re-election and was talking at a campaign
stop to his constituents.

"My opponent has called me a liar. Rest assured, I have never lied to
you. The only problem I have is that the facts don't always match up
with what I believe."

'Bad dog!'"

A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple
scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked:
"That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?" After quickly
downing his drink the man replied: "I got home and found my wife in
bed with my best friend. "Wow", exclaimed the bartender as he poured
the man a second triple scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink.
This one's on the house."

As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him: "So
what did you do?" "I walked over to my wife", the man replied, "looked
her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. I told her
to pack her stuff and to get the hell out." "That makes sense," said
the bartender, "but what about your best friend?" "I walked over to
him, looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad dog!'"

The Big Business Way

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican
village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the
small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American
complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long
it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more
fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate
needs. The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of
your time?

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my
children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village
each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a
full and busy life, senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You
should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat
with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats,
eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling
your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor,
eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product,
processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small
coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and
eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

But what then, senor?

The American laughed and said that's the best part. When the time is
right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the
public and become very rich, you would make millions.

Millions, senor? Then what?

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal
fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with
your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the
evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your
amigos."

At least you won fist prize

An irsh man was in a pub and he got very drunk. So he stumbled outside
and passed out on the grass. Two women walk past him one leans over to
her friends and whispers: "I wonder what is under an irish man's
kilt." So they tip toe over and lift his kilt. He was wearing nothing
at all they. Filled with giggles, one whispered: "How should we tell
him we saw this beauty?" In reply the other girl pulls a blue ribbon
from her hair and ties it under his kilt.

They leave and a few hours later he wakes up and has to go, so he
lifts his kilt and spots the blue ribbon and he says: "I dont know
where you've been or what you've been doing but at least you won fist
prize."

CAT Scan

As a resident physician in radiology, I was speaking with the man
whose wife was about to receive a CAT scan of the chest.

While the nurse was placing the intravenous line, I asked the husband
if his wife had undergone any other tests. The man named several
procedures involving various body parts, but he couldn't remember one
particular test.

Thinking out loud, he said, "What is that thing women have that men don't?"

His wife was quick to answer, "A brain, dear."

Lion of the Circus

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One
is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other a gorgeous blond
in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them: "I'm not going to
sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so
you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment --
chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and
the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl
and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws
open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead
in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet
and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several
minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a
display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and
asks: "Can you top that?" The tough old golfer replies: "No problem,
just get that lion out of there."

The Short of a Story!

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody,
and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure Somebody
would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that
Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what
Anybody could have.

overloading!!!

A man driving home late at night in his Volkswagen beetle car was
stopped by by policemen on patrol. The police asked the man to produce
his car document. When they could not fault the document, the next
question to the man was: "My friend, do you realise that you committed
a criminal offence by driving alone in this car at late night?" The
man became angry and responded: "How could you say that? God the
father, the son and holy spirit, prophet Elijah and Angels Micheal and
Gabriel are all with me in the Car." The policeman replied: "You mean,
all these people are in this small car? I charge you for overloading!"

Broken Window

There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years
old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and
he wanted it back.

Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a base- ball
and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you
suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at
me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that
hole!"

breakfast in bed

An elder couple was lying in bed after they awakened just chatting.
The husband suggested whomever thought of the best rhyme could get
breakfast in bed. She thought a bit and said: "Ok, shoot."

He thought for a bit and then said: “2 and 2 are 4, 4 and 5 makes 9,
I've got my hand on yours, you've got your hand on mine.†She thought
a bit then said: "2 plus 2 is 4, 4 and 5 makes 9, I know the length of
yours, you don't know the depth of mine."

Top Secret Communications Center

When my son was in the Air Force, my wife and I visited quite often.
On our first visit, we were allowed inside this top secret
Communications Center, but everything in sight was covered up so we
could look around everywhere -- Heck, even the toilet paper in the
Men's room was disguised.

Anyway, at the exit, there's a sign above the door, which reads: "You
have been exposed to Top Secret Material. Please destroy yourself
before leaving the building."

breathe in breathe out

There was a blonde who came in a Super Cuts with headphones on and the
hair stylist told her to take them off so he can cutt her hair. And
the blonde said: "No. I'll die." He asked again and she 'no, I will
die." So the hair stylist pulled them off, put them on his counter and
turned around and she was dead. He listened to the tape in her
headphones and it said to 'breathe in breathe out'.

Teacher Arrested...

We found this funny because of the play on words...

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to
be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while
in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule,
and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the U.S. attorney general said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," the attorney general said. "They desire
average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on
tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names
like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have
determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval
with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles
used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President George W. Bush said,
"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He
would have given us more fingers and toes!!!"

Bachelor Wisdom

Bachelor cooking is a matter of attitude. If you think of it as
setting fire to things and making a mess, it's fun. However, it's not
so great if you think of it as dinner...

Nomenclature is an important part of bachelor cooking. If you call it
"Italian cheese toast," it's not disgusting to have warmed-over pizza
for breakfast.

Sinking Ship

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He
called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"

One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."

"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our
life jackets - we're one short."

Anything Good?

Our family owned restaurant is the setting for many of our discussions
about how to handle the customer who asks, "What's good tonight?"

Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn't think was good. I
braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question
posed to my husband.

He calmly replied, "Anything over $13.95."

To get my teeth

An elderly couple lie in bed. The women said: "Remember, when we were
dating you used to kiss me on the cheek." So the man rolls over and
kisses her cheek. Just about asleep when the woman says: "Remember
when you used to nibble on my ear." The man climbs out of bed; and
stomp's out of the bedroom. The woman says: "Honey, where are you
going." The old man says: "To get my teeth."

Chaos

A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang. In
going to answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed for something to
hold on to and seized the telephone table. It fell over with a crash,
jarring the receiver off the hook.

As it fell, it hit the family dog, which leaped up, howling and
barking. The woman's three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke
into loud screams. The woman mumbled some colourful words. She finally
managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time
to hear her husband's voice on the other end say, "Nobody's said hello
yet, but I'm positive I have the right number."

LADIES WHO LUNCH

A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet
for lunch. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the
Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and
nice bums.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they
should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was
very good, the wine selection was good also, and the waiters were
cute.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they
should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there
in peace and quiet, the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean,
and the waiters were sweet boys.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they
should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was
wheel chair accessible, they even had an elevator, and the waiters
were kind.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they
should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been
there before.

Pay for the Food

There was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was next door to a very
upscale French restaurant.

Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back
of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of
Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the
restaurant's kitchen.

One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the
mail from the adjoining restaurant for "enjoyment of food"

Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that
he had not bought a thing from them.

The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for
it." The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court.

At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side
of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits
outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear
that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to
be compensated for it."

The judge turned to Mike and said, "What do you have to say to that?"
The old Irishman didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in
his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?" The Irishman
replied with a mile wide grin, - "I'm paying for the smell of his food
with the sound of my money."

Secret to A Long and Happy Marriage

At All Saints Lutheran Church they have a weekly husband's marriage
seminar. At the session last week, the Pastor asked Ole, who was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same
woman all these years.

"Well, - Ole replied to the assembled husbands, - I've tried to treat
her nice, spend money on her, but best of all I took her to Norway for
the 20th anniversary!" The Pastor responded: "Ole, you are an amazing
inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are
planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary." Ole proudly
replied: "I'm a-gonna go get her."

Ever Rain?

A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?"

A rancher quickly answered, "Yes, it does."

"When?" asked the visitor.

"Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days
and 40 nights?"

The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."

"Well," the rancher puffed up, "we got about half an inch that time."

Points to Ponder

The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front
of you and the fast people always end up behind you.

What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws
before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old
ladies running around with tattoos?

Three Little Pigs

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three
Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the
first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his
home.

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said, "'Holy
Crow! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Self Defense

During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor
was giving the class instruction in unarmed self- defense.

After he presented a number of different situations in which they
might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take
if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?"

The student replied, "BIG ones."

Repairs

When a guy's printing on his printer began to grow faint, he called a
local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer
probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might
be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know
that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We
usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things
themselves first."

And God Said...

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the
religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees
in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a
church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a
beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured,
whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his
wife was cheating on him and his kids wouldn't give him the time of
the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven
and asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every
problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't
even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with
every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity.

Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above ...

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME."

Ice Fishing

There were two good ol' boys from Alabama, who love to fish, and they
wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, so
they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just
before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their
tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick." So they got
that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at
the shop and said, "We're gonna need another dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he
didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour,
he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked,
"how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet."

Blond Guy Joke

There are three blonde guys stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy
appears and offers to grant each one of them a wish.

The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, he is turned into
a brown haired man and swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one,
so instantly he is turned into a black haired man. The black haired
man builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the
previous two. The fairy turns him into a woman, and she walks across
the bridge.

The Army

A man was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the
preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.

He grabbed the man by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

Human Years

God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work
constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You
will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 35 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 35 years is too much.
Please, give me no more than 20."

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold
vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest
companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years."

The dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like that is too
much. Please, no more than 10 years."

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall
swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and
you shall live for 20 years."

The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the
world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years."

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational
Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have
mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth
and live for 20 years."

The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little.
Please, Lord; give me the 15 years the mule refused, the 20 years the
dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 15
years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then,
he is to have children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his house
and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old
age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his
grandchildren.

And it is so...

My Birthday?

Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard the USS
Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and given extra
duty for three weeks. Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday
on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by
reciting, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take
away my birthday." As July 22 approached, his excitement increased.
When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated,

"They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."

The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the
international date line -- and it was July 23.

Silent Treatment

Mike and Joan were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the "silent treatment." But then Mike realized that he would
need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning drive with
some pals to go golfing.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so lose the
'war'), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00am."

The next morning, Mike woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and
that his friends had left for the golf course without him. Furious, he
was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him, when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It's 5:00 am. Wake up."

Men simply are not equipped for these kinds of contests

Soap and Water

After several exciting dates, Jim invited Tina over to his house for a
home-cooked dinner.

When she sat down at the table, she noticed that the dishes were the
dirtiest that she had ever seen in her life.

"Have these dishes ever been washed?" Tina asked, running her fingers
over the grit and grime.

Jim replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

Tina felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating. It was really
delicious and she said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, Jim took the dishes outside, whistled and yelled
for his dogs, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"

Breeding Turkeys

A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a
better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and
there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating
attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his
friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I
bred a turkey that has 6 legs!" They all asked the farmer how it
tasted. "I don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn
thing!"

Math Class

The test I gave my math class covered everything we'd studied all year
-- fractions, percentages and portions of whole units.

But maybe I could have explained things better. To the question "What
portion of a foot is six inches?"

One student answered, "The toes?"

Thanks A Lot

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send
me your stinking chain letters over the past years. Thank you for
making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your
concern........

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and it
eats the paint off of cars.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a
wet dog on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaida in disguise.

Twins

Eight and a half months very pregnant with twins, I was used to
getting nervous glances from strangers. But I never realized how
imposing I was until my husband and I went out to dinner at a new
restaurant.

The hostess sat us at our table, took one long look at my stomach and
asked, "Would you like me to get you a high chair just in case?"

The Parrot

(A Thanksgiving classic)

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a
bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the
bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried
and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently

saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of

to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he
yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got
angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand,
grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the
parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total
quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms

and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I
fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change
in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

THE COUNTRY AND THE FRENCH

There were 2 dudes working on a bridge. One country dude, and one french dude.

The french dude says: "I swear if my wife packed me another bag of
salt and vinegar chips I"ll throw myself off this bridge. He opened up
his lunch box and there were salt and vinegar chips, so he threw
himself off the bridge and died.

The country dude says: "I swear if my wife packed my another pack of
ribs I'll throw myself off this bridge. He opened up is lunch box and
there was a pack of ribs, so he threw himself off the bridge and died.

Three days later at their funeral the french dude's wife was crying
and came up to the country dude's wife and asked why she wasn't
crying. She said: "Well, honey, my husband packs his own lunch!"

Questions to Ponder

1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the
bubbles are always white?

3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?

5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "oneslice"?
How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to
stuff in that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it
down to give the vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying
your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all
right?" When, it isn't all right .

11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's
falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a
trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in
summer when we complained about the heat?

14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like
your wife told you to do it?

16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans
is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three
best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

Clearing Way?

‍My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding
from 9 holes to 18 holes.

Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came
upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in
good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.

When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared
at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other,
and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.

"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"

Ordering Coffee

John and Jake went into a diner that looked as though it had seen
better days. As they slid in to a booth, John wiped some crumbs from
the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some mustard from the table.
The waitress, in a dirty uniform, came over and asked if they wanted
some menus.

"No thanks," said John, "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."

"I'll have black coffee, too," Jake said. "And please make sure the
cup is clean."

The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off in to
the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back.

"Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted
the clean cup?"

Chowder

I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly dressed woman
spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She
began furiously dabbing at it with a napkin.

Having plenty of experience with getting out feed stains, I asked,
"Can I bring you some club soda?"

"Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've had enough
to drink. Bring me another martini!"

[Reader's Digest.]

Signing Checks

Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school
and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never
learned to read, so when he married and started a checking account, he
signed his checks simply "XX".

Eventually he started his own business, which immediately prospered.

He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank.
"Mr. Schwartz," said the banker, "I need to ask you about this check.
We weren't sure you had really signed it. All these years you've been
signing your checks 'XX', but we just got one that was signed with
three XXX's..."

Mr. Schwartz answered, "No problem, my friend. It's just that since
I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle
name."

Blind Date

Joe sets up his friend Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of
a friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with
someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's ugly?" says
Mike, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first.
If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you
don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack. That'll
give you an excuse to cancel the date right then and there."

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out
he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. He's about to speak
when the girl suddenly shouts:

"Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"

Which one is married?

Teacher:- "Right, there are five birds sitting on a telephone line. A
farmer comes along with his gun and shoots one of them. How many are
left?"

Little Johnny:- "None Miss".

Teacher:- "Could you tell me why?"

Little Johnny:- "Well Miss, when the farmer shot the bird, the sound
of the gun would have frightened the other birds away".

Teacher:- "Well, the answer I was looking for was four. But I like
your thinking."

Little Johnny:- "Miss, while we're asking questions, could I ask you one?"

Teacher:- "Its a bit irregular, but go on then"

Little Johnny:- "There are three women sitting on a bench in the park,
eating ice lollies. One of them is licking the lolly; one is biting
it; and one is putting it in and out of her mouth. Which one is
married?"

Reality T.V.

I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many
reality TV shows the day we attended a relative's wedding. As the four
bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he
turned to me and asked, "Is this where the groom decides which one he
wants to marry?"

Two Vampire Bats

One evening two vampire bats were hanging out in their cave. One said, "Man, I'm starving! I need to get some blood!" And he flew out of the cave. 

He returned about three hours later with blood dripping from his mouth. 

"Where'd you get the blood?" the other bat asked. 

"Well, you fly out of the cave, and you see the first tree on the left?" 

"Yes," the other bat replied. 

"Well, I didn't."

Blanket

A man and a woman who had never met before find themselves in the same
sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they
both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In
the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says,
"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and was wondering if
you could possibly get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and,
with a glint in her eye says "I have a better idea, just for tonight,
let's pretend that we're married!" The man says happily, "Sure. That
sounds great!" The woman says, "Good+ get your own fucking blanket!"

Smart Dog

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in
his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the
money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the
shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look
both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the
timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around
to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher
follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button,
then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes
back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!-
against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps
on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window,
jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts
cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What are you doing? This
dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my butt. It's the second time this week
he's forgotten his key!"

One Parachute

In a plane that's about to crash, there are three passengers: the
wisest man on earth, a student, and a politician.

When they find out that the plane is about to go down and there is
only one parachute between the three of them they debate about who
would sacrifice his life for the country and who will jump to safety.

The politician says he's responsible for running the country, so of
course, he should be the one to jump.

The wise man says he's got to serve mankind, so he should be the one who jumps.

The student says he is the future, and he should be the recipient of
the parachute.

As the kid speaks, the wise man grabs the bag and leaps wildly out of
the plane.

The politician is astounded, but the student remains calm.

"Why are you so calm? We're both about to die!" exclaims the politician.

The student replies, "Well wisdom just leapt out with my school bag,
so the future can hang on to politics and feel safe."

Doctor's Visit

A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one of her co-workers to
recommend a physician.

"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five
hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each
one after that."

The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little
money, cheerily announced.

"I'm back!"

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said,
"Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last
visit."

What Men Call their Women

What's in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought
there was. Here's what his pet name for you really means.....

Darling -- Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first
syllable, then he's probably done something wrong or wants money.

Dear -- Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear
woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.

Sweetheart -- If it's said patronizingly, it's not so sweet. But when
uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.

Babe -- Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for
flares or signs that he's a 70s throwback. He's a bit of a medallion
man. Chances are he's got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave
immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.

Baby doll -- This type of man will probably require you to wear
transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn't
want you to grow up, and obviously can't deal with real women.

Princess -- Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think
you're being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings -
they may be secretly plotting your over- throw.

Sexy -- Fine if you're sexy. If you're not, who cares? He probably
thinks you are anyway!!

My girlfriend -- He's honest, open and probably glad to have you
around. The next thing you know he'll be using your name!

The wife -- If you're married then he probably thinks he owns you. If
you're not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case,
he thinks he owns you.

My other half -- You complete the set - he's only half a man without
you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity
somewhere.

The missus -- See The Wife.

My partner -- He's right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.

My significant other -- He's even more right on. Probably thinks it's
cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.

She who must be obeyed -- He thinks you're a nag, but probably doesn't
lift a finger around the house.

Doctor Doctor...

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains.

Well pull yourself together then .

---

Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.

Next please!

---

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me.

One at a time please.

---

Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel
like a wig-wam.

You're too tents.

---

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm invisible.

Who said that?

---

Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!

Hmmmm...Let's hope nothing develops.

---

Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.

Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

---

Doctor, Doctor I've lost my memory!

When did this happen?

When did what happen?

---

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.

I'll deal with you later.

---

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?

Use a pencil 'till I get there.

Psychiatrists

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says,
"but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear
each other out right now?"

They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses,
"I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my
patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I
frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how
hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

Interesting Thoughts

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters
and too young to borrow the family car.

Merit entrance into Heaven?

A New York divorce lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint
Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The lawyer thought for a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a
quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a
moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough
to get you into Heaven."

The lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago I also
gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back,
affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we
do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter:

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Spooky Pookie

There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients
always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m.,
regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something
to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery... as to
why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.

So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause
of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11
a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see
for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were
holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward
off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday
sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so
that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Balance?

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel,
found him, resting on the seventh day.He inquired of God. "Where have
you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to
call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example,
northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while
southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a
continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black
people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different
countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be
very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area
and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on
earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes,
forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State
are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they
are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely
sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known
throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What
about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled,

"There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."

Valuable Book

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had
just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He
happened to mention that Guten-somebody- or-other had printed it.

"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!"

"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A
copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!"

"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to
that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins
by some clown named Martin Luther."

Conducter

A conductor was having a lot of trouble with a drummer. He constantly
gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance
simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he took a
critical jab at the drummer,

"When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve
when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks,
and make him a drummer -- which must be why you play the drums."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section,

"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks
and make him a conductor."

Golfing...

Moses and Jesus are part of a Threesome playing golf one day. Moses
pulls up to the tee and drives a long one. The ball lands on the
fairway, but rolls directly toward a water trap. Quickly, Moses raises
his club, the water parts, and the ball rolls to the other side, safe
and sound.

Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly
toward the same water trap. It lands right in the center of the pond
and kind of hovers over the water. Jesus casually walks out on the
water and chips the ball right up onto the green.

Then, the third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It
heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street.
It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there, it bounces
onto the roof of a shack close by and rolls down into the gutter, down
the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the fore
mentioned pond.

On the way to the pond, the ball hits a little stone and bounces out
over the water and onto a lily pad, where it comes quietly to rest.
Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumps on the lily pad and snatches the
ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swoops down, grabs the frog
and flies away. As they pass over the green, the frog squeals with
fright and drops the ball, which bounces right into the hole for a
beautiful hole in one.

Moses leans over toward Jesus and whispers, "Do you think your Dad
would teach me that shot?"

Difference?

A guy takes his ill and aging wife in to the doctor's office.

After a full examination, the doc tells the guy it's one of two things.

The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimer's disease or AIDS."

"What do you mean," the guy says. "Can't you tell the difference?"

"Well," says the Doc, "the two look a lot alike in the early stages.
Tell you what ya should do...Drive her way out into the country, kick
her out of the car, and if she finds her way back... don't have sex
with her anymore!"

About 10 minutes ago

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter
explains that it's not so easy to get in heaven. There are some
criteria before entry is allowed.

St. Peter asked the man, "Were you religious in life? Did you attend
church services?"

"No."

St. Peter told him, "That's bad. Were you generous? Did you give money
to the poor? To charities?"

"No."

"That too is bad. Did you do any good deeds? Helped your neighbor? Anything?"

"No."

St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, St. Peter said, "Look, everybody does something nice
sometimes. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man said, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and
found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her
purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so
mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse
back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest,
baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was
and then spat in his face".

"Wow," said Peter. "That's impressive. When did this happen?"

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago," replied the man.

Having a Bad Day?

Having a Bad Day?

Well, then, consider this..............

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same
bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their
medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do
with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the
deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of
experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the
doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for
themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were
holding wooden crossses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward
off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday
sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he
could use the vacuum cleaner.

Made of bricks!

Tom was walking down the street with his girl friend...they stopped to
look into an jewelry store window....his girl friend said "honey would
you get that big diamond ring for me?" Tom picked up a brick and threw
it through the window and grabbed the Diamond ring for her. They
walked a little further hand and hand when they came up to a
department store window with a fur coat in the window. She said, "Tom
would you get that fur coat me?" Tom threw another brick through the
window and got the Fur coat for her. As they walked a little further
they came upon a store with a liitle black puppy in the pet store
window. "Oh! Tom I would love to have that little puppy in the window"
Tom said, "You must think I am made of bricks!"

Physics

As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend
towards legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings
on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must
also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however
well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really
necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of
the findings of 20th century physics.

We therefore propose that the following list of warnings appears on
every product offered for sale in the United States.

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85
Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically
Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred
Million Miles Per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is
Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both
Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. (Note: This
one is optional on the grounds that Heisenburg was never quite sure
that his principle was correct)

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through
a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously
Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place
in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer
Will Not Be Responsible for Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon,
the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of
99.999999999% Empty Space.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the
Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist
or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since
Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative
to the User.

Good news first

The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have some good
news and some bad news."

Dan said, "Give me the good news."

"Well..." the doctor started. "They're going to name a disease after you."

Fire Chief's uniform

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station,
was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of
schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the
bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said,
"Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the
next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he
got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the
druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"

Prayer

One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent
river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to
do it.

The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength
to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and
he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me
the strength and ability to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a
rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he
also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, ability,
and intelligence to cross this river." And Poof! God turned him into a
woman. She looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.

Praying

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week
before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to
say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of
his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."

"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."

"I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said,
"Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied,

"No, but Grandma is!"
http://www.helavikom.tk
http://www.materialsengineers.tk

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney...

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled
by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with
me?"

Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys
to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she
asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys
to the children, y'know!"

She takes off everything and asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa replies "Hey Hey Hey I gotta stay, gotta stay! I can't get up
the chimney with my dick this way!"

Perfection

The preacher said, "There's no such thing as a perfect woman. Anybody
present who has ever known a perfect woman, stand up."

Nobody stood up.

"Those who have ever known a perfect man, stand up."

One elderly gentleman stood up.

"Are you honestly saying you knew an absolutely perfect man?" he
asked, somewhat amazed.

"Well now, I didn't know him personally," replied the little old man,
"but I have heard a great deal about him. He was my wife's first
husband."

What would they have driven?

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?". But the
initials really have been changed to stand for "What would Jesus
drive?".

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because
the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a
Fury".

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The
passage urges the Jesus to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and
terrify them with your Storm".

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are
warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long
blast".

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk
about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where
Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a
Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in
the hills".

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler:
"Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land". And, following
Jesus' lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda... "The Apostles were
in one Accord."

I have stolen a fat goose from a poultry yard...

Confessor: I have stolen a fat goose from a poultry yard!

Priest: That is very wrong.

Confessor: Would you like to accept it, Father?

Priest: Certainly not- return it to the man whom you stole it from.

Confessor: But I have offered it to him and he won't have it.

Priest: In that case you may keep it yourself.

Confessor: Thank you, Father.

The Priest arrived home to find one of his geese had been stolen...

Two snakes were out taking a stroll...

Two snakes were out taking a stroll when the son snake turns to the
mother snake and asks: "Mommy! Are we poisonous?"

"Why, yes we are", says the second.

Again the baby snake asks, "Are you sure we're poisonous?"

"Yes, we are very poisonous."

The baby snake becomes very upset. Again, he asks, "Are we really
really poisonous?"

"Yes we are really really poisonous. In fact we're the most poisonous
snakes in the world. Why do you ask?"

"I just bit my lip!!!"

Another Talented Pet

There was a man who traveled all around the world. Every city he
stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it to her.

On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different
languages. He immediately bought it and sent it home to his mother.

A few days later he calls his mother. "Did you like the parrot?" he asked her.

"Oh yes," she replied. "It was delicious."

"WHAT!" the man cried. "You ate it! That parrot wasn't for you to eat!
It spoke thirty languages!"

The mother paused for a moment and then said, "So why didn't he say something?"

"Naughty Cat"

Signs that your cat is hanging around with the wrong crowd:

One day, without your permission, he gets his ears pierced.

Your credit card is overcharged, mainly for "9-Lives."

You find attached to the refrigerator a note that reads: "Leave a
steak on the front porch at midnight, or you'll never see Spot again."

Too many times a week your cat comes home after one in the morning,
totally plastered and with a strong odor of catnip about him.

You come home to catch him in the act of raiding your liquor cabinet.

Several hundred dollars' worth of phone calls appear on your phone
bill to "1-900-PUSSYCAT-MEOW."

You find out that the lifetime's supply of cat food wasn't a prize
from "Kitten's Life" magazine, but that your cat has been selling
drugs in the neighborhood.

After failing to get your attention with constant meows and by rubbing
up against your leg, your cat pulls out his Magnum-44 and aims it at
you, demanding "Friskies" and catnip.

A newlywed couple moves into their new house....

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband
comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the
upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The
husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says,
"Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you
change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a
leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can
you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the
plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a
handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that
going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it
for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well,
what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look
like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

Pregnant

Seven months pregnant, my hand on my aching back, I stood in line at
the post office for what seemed an eternity.

"Honey," said a woman behind me, "I had back pain during my pregnancy.
I was bedridden for four months because my baby was sitting on a
nerve."

Then the man in front of me piped up....

"You'd better get used to it now. Once those kids get on your nerves,
they can stay there till they're 18."

On a sunny Sunday afternoon...

On a sunny Sunday afternoon, two young church members were going door
to door to invite people to visit their services. When they knocked on
one door, it was immediately clear the woman who answered was not
happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear
their message, and before they could say anything more, she slammed
the door in their faces.

To her surprise, however, the door did not close; in fact, it bounced
back open. She tried again, really putting her back into it, and
slammed it again with the same result - the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in her
door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a
lesson. Just then, one of them said quietly: "Ma'am, before you do
that again, you really need to move your cat."

A police pulled a man over and said...

A police pulled a man over and said "sir did you know that you are
going 20 miles over the speed limit?" and the man answers, "No officer
i did not." and his wife says, "yes you did I've been telling you that
for the last 20 minutes." and the man yells "Shut up!" and the officer
says, "Well did you know that your liscense plate is expired?" and the
man answers "no officer i did not."

And the wife says "yes you did I've been telling you for three months
to get it updated!" and the husband yells "Be Quite! or i'll tape it
shut!" and the officer says "ma'm does he always talk to you like
this?" and the wife answers "no only when he's drinking."

A young boy enters a barber shop...

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his
customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove
it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters
in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want,
son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?"
said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out
of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did
you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his
cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is
over!"

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island...

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp.
They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first
blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this
island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The
second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I
can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft
from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was
50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns
into a man and walks across the bridge.

I Am A Father

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he
wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and said, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has four boys, four girls and two grandchildren
and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds," and
went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly... but on leaving the bus, he leaned over
and said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of
your collar."

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks...

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long
it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent
replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs
up.

Read Aloud

Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the
hospital. His best friend Morris came to visit him.

Bernie struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sadie visits me three times
a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the
bedside."

"What does she read?" asks Morris.

"My life insurance policy."

The Church Plaque

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed Little Johnny was staring up at
the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year-
old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked
up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.

"Sir, what is this?" Little Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service,"
replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly,
"Which one, sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"

Puzzle

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please come over
and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out
how to start it."

Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"

The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he
heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to
where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.

He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not
going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the
picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to rel ax, have a cup of
coffee, and put all these Kellog's Frosted

Flakes back in the box."

Brown Eye

Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.

Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

The Family Dentist

A husband and wife enter a dentist's office. The Wife says, "I want a
tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible
hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," says the dentist, "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth and show the
dentist which tooth it is, dear."

Swallowed A Mouse

A man swallowed a mouse while sleeping on the couch one day. His wife
quickly called the doctor and said, "Doctor, please come quickly. My
husband just swallowed a mouse and he's gagging and thrashing about."

"I'll be right over," the doctor said. "In the meantime, keep waving a
piece of cheese over his mouth to try to attract the mouse up and out
of there."

When the doctor arrived, he saw the wife waving a piece of smoked
herring over her husband's mouth.

"Uhh, I told you to use cheese, not herring, to lure the mouse."

"I know, doc," she replied, "but first I've got to get the darn cat out of him!"

51 Days!!!

Two blondes walk into a bar, each orders a drink.

They go and sit down and start toasting and cheering, "51 days! 51 days!!"

About five minutes later, another blonde walks in, orders a drink, and
joins the other two in the cheering. Finally, another blonde walks in
with what looks like a cardboard picture.

She puts the picture thing in the middle of the table, and starts
cheering with the others, "51 days! 51 days!! The Bar Tender starts
too get really curious, so he walks over to discover that the picture
is a Cookie Monster puzzle. He walks over to one of the blondes and
asks, "What on earth are you doing??" "Well," the blonde says,
"everyone thinks blondes are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On
the box of this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only
51 days!!!

Gas Attack

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem." "A gas problem?" replied the doctor.

"Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent gas emissions.

"Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (blush) four silent gas emissions.

"Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"

"Well," said the doctor, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test!"

Cynical Meanings

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Alligator Hunting

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted
a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very
reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of
the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch
my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out
and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on
catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the
young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just
then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She
takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it
on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead
creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the
alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one
isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Thanks Doc!

A patient says to his doctor, "Hey, Doc! I've been getting these
migraines for a long time now! I can't think straight! I need help!".

Doctor says to patient, "You know what? I used to have the same
problem, and whenever I do get migraines, I go home to my wife. She
cooks me my favourite meal, rubs my toes, kiss my nipples and well
(smiles sheepishly), you know what happens next!"

...next day...
patient says, "Hey doc! Thanks for ur advice. It worked!".
Doctor says, "Oh really? That's good to hear!".
"Oh by the way, "Patient says, "You've got a great house!"

Selling the Green Suit...

A man who isn't qualified keeps pestering this tailor about giving him
a job selling suits. Finally, the owner tells him if he can sell this
one green suit he will give him a job.

Another employee points out to owner that they have had that suit on
the rack for four years, and that it is such an ugly, green suit that
nobody would ever buy it.

88, 89...

There was a brunette standing along side a busy road chanting "88, 88,
88, 88..."

A blonde came up to her and said, "That looks like fun, can I try?"

The brunette said, "Sure."

So the blonde chanted, "88, 88, 88, 88.."

"Well," said the brunette, "that is fun. But what is even more fun is
if you say it in the middle of the street."

So the blonde said, "OK." and stood in the middle of the street. "88,
88, 88, 88-" BAM! she was run over by a car, completely flattened.

Along the side of the road, the brunette began to chant, "89, 89, 89, 89..."

Another miracle?

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says,
"Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these
cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and
says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is
pregnant - about 4 months would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been
left alone with a man! Have you Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've
never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out it. About five
minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong
out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time
anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three
wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it
this time!"

A stranger was seated next to a blonde on the airplane

A stranger was seated next to a blonde on the airplane when the
stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights
go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to
the stranger,
- 'What would you like to talk about?'
- 'Oh, I don't know, said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and
he smiles.
- OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer
excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a
horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The
stranger, visibly surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about
it and says, - 'Hmmm, I have no idea....'
To which the blonde replies,
- 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you
don't know shit?'

Blonde paint job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went
to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any
jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde
said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the
paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's
wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her
husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the
house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and
I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man
reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added,
"that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Blonde Car Crash

As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her
what happened.

The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a
tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved
to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."

The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know
how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on
this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."

Refrigerator

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to
accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St.
Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man,
"Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an
affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all
over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto
the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging
over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and
started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I
got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed
him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it
was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir,
it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the
balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped
over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below,
but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a
hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a
refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really
start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Flight to New York

A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class
cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip,
smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her.

Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says,
'Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're
seated in first class; I'm afraid you'll have to move.'

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to
New York to be a model.'

Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant.

The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, 'I'm
sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move
back.'

The blonde replies, sweetly, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm
going to New York to be a model' -- and shows no signs of moving.

Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says
he'll deal with the problem.

He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the
blonde seated comfortably in first class.

Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks
quietly into the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers
her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment.
Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, 'Captain, I'm
impressed ... what did you say to her?'

The captain grinned slyly and said, 'I just told her that the first
class cabin doesn't go to New York.'

Tell Me

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their
75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife . . . "Dear,
there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that
our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I
want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful
experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take
that all away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She
paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting
hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks
"Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she
tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. then,
finally, she says. . . . . . . "You."

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast...

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You
aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By
mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What
took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."

Elementary, My Dear Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replies, “I see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. “Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.”

The Programmer and the Princess

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”
The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do anything you want.” Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The programmer said, “Look, I’m a programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend — but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”

Serving Lawyers Bar Joke

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender “Do you serve lawyers here?”

“Sure do,” replied the bartender.

“Good,” said the customer, “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my gator.”

An extremely loyal fan

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself “what a waste” he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, “Is this seat taken?” The man replied, “This was my wife’s seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan.” The other man replied,”I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn’t give the ticket to a friend or a relative?”
The man replied, “They’re all at the funeral.”

Funny Things To Think About

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn’t help me.

- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

- I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.

- I bought some powdered water, but I didn’t know what to add.

- I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

Golf Clubs

There was a businesswoman who just made a million dollars for an Arabian Oil Sheik. When she was leaving the Oil Sheik offered her Diamonds and rubies and a Silver-plated Rolls Royce, but she declined.
The Sheik insisted so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice.
A few weeks later she received a telegram from the sheik.
“So far I have bought you 3 golf clubs. I hope you aren’t disappointed that only 2 of them have swimming pools.”