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One Parachute

In a plane that's about to crash, there are three passengers: the
wisest man on earth, a student, and a politician.

When they find out that the plane is about to go down and there is
only one parachute between the three of them they debate about who
would sacrifice his life for the country and who will jump to safety.

The politician says he's responsible for running the country, so of
course, he should be the one to jump.

The wise man says he's got to serve mankind, so he should be the one who jumps.

The student says he is the future, and he should be the recipient of
the parachute.

As the kid speaks, the wise man grabs the bag and leaps wildly out of
the plane.

The politician is astounded, but the student remains calm.

"Why are you so calm? We're both about to die!" exclaims the politician.

The student replies, "Well wisdom just leapt out with my school bag,
so the future can hang on to politics and feel safe."

Doctor's Visit

A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one of her co-workers to
recommend a physician.

"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five
hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each
one after that."

The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little
money, cheerily announced.

"I'm back!"

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said,
"Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last
visit."

What Men Call their Women

What's in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought
there was. Here's what his pet name for you really means.....

Darling -- Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first
syllable, then he's probably done something wrong or wants money.

Dear -- Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear
woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.

Sweetheart -- If it's said patronizingly, it's not so sweet. But when
uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.

Babe -- Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for
flares or signs that he's a 70s throwback. He's a bit of a medallion
man. Chances are he's got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave
immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.

Baby doll -- This type of man will probably require you to wear
transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn't
want you to grow up, and obviously can't deal with real women.

Princess -- Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think
you're being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings -
they may be secretly plotting your over- throw.

Sexy -- Fine if you're sexy. If you're not, who cares? He probably
thinks you are anyway!!

My girlfriend -- He's honest, open and probably glad to have you
around. The next thing you know he'll be using your name!

The wife -- If you're married then he probably thinks he owns you. If
you're not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case,
he thinks he owns you.

My other half -- You complete the set - he's only half a man without
you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity
somewhere.

The missus -- See The Wife.

My partner -- He's right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.

My significant other -- He's even more right on. Probably thinks it's
cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.

She who must be obeyed -- He thinks you're a nag, but probably doesn't
lift a finger around the house.

Doctor Doctor...

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains.

Well pull yourself together then .

---

Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.

Next please!

---

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me.

One at a time please.

---

Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel
like a wig-wam.

You're too tents.

---

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm invisible.

Who said that?

---

Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!

Hmmmm...Let's hope nothing develops.

---

Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.

Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

---

Doctor, Doctor I've lost my memory!

When did this happen?

When did what happen?

---

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.

I'll deal with you later.

---

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?

Use a pencil 'till I get there.

Psychiatrists

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says,
"but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear
each other out right now?"

They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses,
"I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my
patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I
frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how
hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

Interesting Thoughts

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters
and too young to borrow the family car.