Tie Discipline

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. 

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times. 

When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness.

Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places. 

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

The Man and the Dog

There is an old story about the data center of the future. 

This data center runs 24/7 with only a man and a dog. 

The man's job is to feed the dog. 

The dog's job is to make sure the man does not touch the computer.

The Witness

An old man was a witness in a burglary case. 

The defense lawyer asked Richard, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?" 

"Yes," said Richard , "I saw him plainly take the goods." 

The lawyer asks Richard again, "Richard, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?" 

"Yes" says Richard, "I saw him do it." 

Then the lawyer asks Richard, "Richard listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?" 

Richard says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"

Time Honored Truths

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. 

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. 

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. 

The older you get, the better you realize you were. 

I doubt, therefore I might be. 

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Arriving Home Drunk

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home." 

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man. 

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"