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The bum on a street

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" 


The bum said, "No." 

The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" 

The bum said, "No." 

Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

More Non-Deep Thoughts

- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? 


- The speed of time is one second per second. 

- Is it possible to be totally partial? 

- What's another word for thesaurus? 

- Is Marx's tomb a communist plot? 

- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? 

- Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off. 

-It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one. 

- Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?


Cat Rules of Hampering

If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering": 


1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. It's even funnier when they try to avoid stepping on you and fall into a counter or table. 

2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. 

3. For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. 

4. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper.

Foiled Carjacking

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her lungs that she "knows how to use it and will shoot if required.... so get out of MY car!" 


The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat. 

Small problem: Her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces further down. 

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly, white woman. 

No charges were filed.

Get Your Own

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. 


The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost?" 

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!" 

But, God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." 

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. 

God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt."