How to Quit Smoking

Peter, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette. 

'I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking,' Ken responds. 'I'm in the process of quitting,' replies Peter with a grin. 'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.' 

'Phase one?' wonders Ken. 

'Yeah,' replied Peter, 'I've quit buying.'

Only Three Doors

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. 

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" 

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Santa Stats

There are currently 78 people named S. Claus living in the U.S. -- and one Kriss Kringle. (You gotta wonder about that one kid's parents) 

December is the most popular month for nose jobs. 

Weight of Santa's sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby for every kid on earth: 333,333 tons. 

Number of reindeer required to pull a 333,333-ton s sleigh: 214,206 -- plus Rudolph. 

Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour. With real beard: $20. 

To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to make 822.6 visits per second, sleighing at 3,000 times the speed of sound. 

At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame instantaneously.