Thanks A Lot

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send
me your stinking chain letters over the past years. Thank you for
making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your
concern........

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and it
eats the paint off of cars.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a
wet dog on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaida in disguise.

Twins

Eight and a half months very pregnant with twins, I was used to
getting nervous glances from strangers. But I never realized how
imposing I was until my husband and I went out to dinner at a new
restaurant.

The hostess sat us at our table, took one long look at my stomach and
asked, "Would you like me to get you a high chair just in case?"

The Parrot

(A Thanksgiving classic)

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a
bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the
bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried
and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently

saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of

to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he
yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got
angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand,
grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the
parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total
quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms

and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I
fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change
in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

THE COUNTRY AND THE FRENCH

There were 2 dudes working on a bridge. One country dude, and one french dude.

The french dude says: "I swear if my wife packed me another bag of
salt and vinegar chips I"ll throw myself off this bridge. He opened up
his lunch box and there were salt and vinegar chips, so he threw
himself off the bridge and died.

The country dude says: "I swear if my wife packed my another pack of
ribs I'll throw myself off this bridge. He opened up is lunch box and
there was a pack of ribs, so he threw himself off the bridge and died.

Three days later at their funeral the french dude's wife was crying
and came up to the country dude's wife and asked why she wasn't
crying. She said: "Well, honey, my husband packs his own lunch!"

Questions to Ponder

1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the
bubbles are always white?

3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?

5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "oneslice"?
How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to
stuff in that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it
down to give the vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying
your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all
right?" When, it isn't all right .

11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's
falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a
trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in
summer when we complained about the heat?

14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like
your wife told you to do it?

16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans
is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three
best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

Clearing Way?

‍My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding
from 9 holes to 18 holes.

Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came
upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in
good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.

When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared
at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other,
and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.

"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"

Ordering Coffee

John and Jake went into a diner that looked as though it had seen
better days. As they slid in to a booth, John wiped some crumbs from
the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some mustard from the table.
The waitress, in a dirty uniform, came over and asked if they wanted
some menus.

"No thanks," said John, "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."

"I'll have black coffee, too," Jake said. "And please make sure the
cup is clean."

The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off in to
the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back.

"Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted
the clean cup?"