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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney...

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled
by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with
me?"

Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys
to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she
asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys
to the children, y'know!"

She takes off everything and asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa replies "Hey Hey Hey I gotta stay, gotta stay! I can't get up
the chimney with my dick this way!"

Perfection

The preacher said, "There's no such thing as a perfect woman. Anybody
present who has ever known a perfect woman, stand up."

Nobody stood up.

"Those who have ever known a perfect man, stand up."

One elderly gentleman stood up.

"Are you honestly saying you knew an absolutely perfect man?" he
asked, somewhat amazed.

"Well now, I didn't know him personally," replied the little old man,
"but I have heard a great deal about him. He was my wife's first
husband."

What would they have driven?

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?". But the
initials really have been changed to stand for "What would Jesus
drive?".

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because
the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a
Fury".

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The
passage urges the Jesus to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and
terrify them with your Storm".

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are
warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long
blast".

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk
about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where
Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a
Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in
the hills".

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler:
"Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land". And, following
Jesus' lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda... "The Apostles were
in one Accord."

I have stolen a fat goose from a poultry yard...

Confessor: I have stolen a fat goose from a poultry yard!

Priest: That is very wrong.

Confessor: Would you like to accept it, Father?

Priest: Certainly not- return it to the man whom you stole it from.

Confessor: But I have offered it to him and he won't have it.

Priest: In that case you may keep it yourself.

Confessor: Thank you, Father.

The Priest arrived home to find one of his geese had been stolen...