Points to Ponder

The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front
of you and the fast people always end up behind you.

What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws
before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old
ladies running around with tattoos?

Three Little Pigs

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three
Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the
first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his
home.

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said, "'Holy
Crow! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Self Defense

During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor
was giving the class instruction in unarmed self- defense.

After he presented a number of different situations in which they
might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take
if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?"

The student replied, "BIG ones."

Repairs

When a guy's printing on his printer began to grow faint, he called a
local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer
probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might
be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know
that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We
usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things
themselves first."

And God Said...

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the
religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees
in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a
church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a
beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured,
whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his
wife was cheating on him and his kids wouldn't give him the time of
the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven
and asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every
problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't
even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with
every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity.

Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above ...

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME."

Ice Fishing

There were two good ol' boys from Alabama, who love to fish, and they
wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, so
they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just
before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their
tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick." So they got
that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at
the shop and said, "We're gonna need another dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he
didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour,
he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked,
"how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet."

Blond Guy Joke

There are three blonde guys stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy
appears and offers to grant each one of them a wish.

The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, he is turned into
a brown haired man and swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one,
so instantly he is turned into a black haired man. The black haired
man builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the
previous two. The fairy turns him into a woman, and she walks across
the bridge.