towards legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings
on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must
also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however
well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really
necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of
the findings of 20th century physics.
We therefore propose that the following list of warnings appears on
every product offered for sale in the United States.
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85
Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically
Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred
Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is
Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both
Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. (Note: This
one is optional on the grounds that Heisenburg was never quite sure
that his principle was correct)
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through
a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously
Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place
in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer
Will Not Be Responsible for Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon,
the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of
99.999999999% Empty Space.
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the
Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist
or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since
Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative
to the User.
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