Chowder

I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly dressed woman
spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She
began furiously dabbing at it with a napkin.

Having plenty of experience with getting out feed stains, I asked,
"Can I bring you some club soda?"

"Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've had enough
to drink. Bring me another martini!"

[Reader's Digest.]

Signing Checks

Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school
and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never
learned to read, so when he married and started a checking account, he
signed his checks simply "XX".

Eventually he started his own business, which immediately prospered.

He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank.
"Mr. Schwartz," said the banker, "I need to ask you about this check.
We weren't sure you had really signed it. All these years you've been
signing your checks 'XX', but we just got one that was signed with
three XXX's..."

Mr. Schwartz answered, "No problem, my friend. It's just that since
I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle
name."

Blind Date

Joe sets up his friend Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of
a friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with
someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's ugly?" says
Mike, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first.
If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you
don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack. That'll
give you an excuse to cancel the date right then and there."

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out
he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. He's about to speak
when the girl suddenly shouts:

"Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"

Which one is married?

Teacher:- "Right, there are five birds sitting on a telephone line. A
farmer comes along with his gun and shoots one of them. How many are
left?"

Little Johnny:- "None Miss".

Teacher:- "Could you tell me why?"

Little Johnny:- "Well Miss, when the farmer shot the bird, the sound
of the gun would have frightened the other birds away".

Teacher:- "Well, the answer I was looking for was four. But I like
your thinking."

Little Johnny:- "Miss, while we're asking questions, could I ask you one?"

Teacher:- "Its a bit irregular, but go on then"

Little Johnny:- "There are three women sitting on a bench in the park,
eating ice lollies. One of them is licking the lolly; one is biting
it; and one is putting it in and out of her mouth. Which one is
married?"

Reality T.V.

I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many
reality TV shows the day we attended a relative's wedding. As the four
bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he
turned to me and asked, "Is this where the groom decides which one he
wants to marry?"

Two Vampire Bats

One evening two vampire bats were hanging out in their cave. One said, "Man, I'm starving! I need to get some blood!" And he flew out of the cave. 

He returned about three hours later with blood dripping from his mouth. 

"Where'd you get the blood?" the other bat asked. 

"Well, you fly out of the cave, and you see the first tree on the left?" 

"Yes," the other bat replied. 

"Well, I didn't."

Blanket

A man and a woman who had never met before find themselves in the same
sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they
both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In
the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says,
"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and was wondering if
you could possibly get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and,
with a glint in her eye says "I have a better idea, just for tonight,
let's pretend that we're married!" The man says happily, "Sure. That
sounds great!" The woman says, "Good+ get your own fucking blanket!"

Smart Dog

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in
his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the
money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the
shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look
both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the
timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around
to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher
follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button,
then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes
back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!-
against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps
on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window,
jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts
cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What are you doing? This
dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my butt. It's the second time this week
he's forgotten his key!"