"Why, yes we are", says the second.
Again the baby snake asks, "Are you sure we're poisonous?"
"Yes, we are very poisonous."
The baby snake becomes very upset. Again, he asks, "Are we really
really poisonous?"
"Yes we are really really poisonous. In fact we're the most poisonous
snakes in the world. Why do you ask?"
"I just bit my lip!!!"
On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different
languages. He immediately bought it and sent it home to his mother.
A few days later he calls his mother. "Did you like the parrot?" he asked her.
"Oh yes," she replied. "It was delicious."
"WHAT!" the man cried. "You ate it! That parrot wasn't for you to eat!
It spoke thirty languages!"
The mother paused for a moment and then said, "So why didn't he say something?"
One day, without your permission, he gets his ears pierced.
Your credit card is overcharged, mainly for "9-Lives."
You find attached to the refrigerator a note that reads: "Leave a
steak on the front porch at midnight, or you'll never see Spot again."
Too many times a week your cat comes home after one in the morning,
totally plastered and with a strong odor of catnip about him.
You come home to catch him in the act of raiding your liquor cabinet.
Several hundred dollars' worth of phone calls appear on your phone
bill to "1-900-PUSSYCAT-MEOW."
You find out that the lifetime's supply of cat food wasn't a prize
from "Kitten's Life" magazine, but that your cat has been selling
drugs in the neighborhood.
After failing to get your attention with constant meows and by rubbing
up against your leg, your cat pulls out his Magnum-44 and aims it at
you, demanding "Friskies" and catnip.
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says,
"Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you
change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a
leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can
you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the
plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a
handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that
going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it
for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well,
what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look
like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
"Honey," said a woman behind me, "I had back pain during my pregnancy.
I was bedridden for four months because my baby was sitting on a
nerve."
Then the man in front of me piped up....
"You'd better get used to it now. Once those kids get on your nerves,
they can stay there till they're 18."
She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear
their message, and before they could say anything more, she slammed
the door in their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close; in fact, it bounced
back open. She tried again, really putting her back into it, and
slammed it again with the same result - the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in her
door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a
lesson. Just then, one of them said quietly: "Ma'am, before you do
that again, you really need to move your cat."
