Doctor says to patient, "You know what? I used to have the same
problem, and whenever I do get migraines, I go home to my wife. She
cooks me my favourite meal, rubs my toes, kiss my nipples and well
(smiles sheepishly), you know what happens next!"
...next day...
patient says, "Hey doc! Thanks for ur advice. It worked!".
Doctor says, "Oh really? That's good to hear!".
"Oh by the way, "Patient says, "You've got a great house!"
Another employee points out to owner that they have had that suit on
the rack for four years, and that it is such an ugly, green suit that
nobody would ever buy it.
A blonde came up to her and said, "That looks like fun, can I try?"
The brunette said, "Sure."
So the blonde chanted, "88, 88, 88, 88.."
"Well," said the brunette, "that is fun. But what is even more fun is
if you say it in the middle of the street."
So the blonde said, "OK." and stood in the middle of the street. "88,
88, 88, 88-" BAM! she was run over by a car, completely flattened.
Along the side of the road, the brunette began to chant, "89, 89, 89, 89..."
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these
cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and
says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is
pregnant - about 4 months would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been
left alone with a man! Have you Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've
never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out it. About five
minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong
out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time
anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three
wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it
this time!"
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde
said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the
paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's
wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her
husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the
house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and
I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man
reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added,
"that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a
tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved
to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."
The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know
how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on
this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an
affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all
over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto
the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging
over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and
started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I
got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed
him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it
was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir,
it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the
balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped
over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below,
but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a
hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a
refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really
start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says,
'Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're
seated in first class; I'm afraid you'll have to move.'
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to
New York to be a model.'
Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant.
The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, 'I'm
sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move
back.'
The blonde replies, sweetly, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm
going to New York to be a model' -- and shows no signs of moving.
Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says
he'll deal with the problem.
He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the
blonde seated comfortably in first class.
Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks
quietly into the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers
her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment.
Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, 'Captain, I'm
impressed ... what did you say to her?'
The captain grinned slyly and said, 'I just told her that the first
class cabin doesn't go to New York.'
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife . . . "Dear,
there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that
our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I
want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful
experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take
that all away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She
paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting
hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks
"Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she
tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. then,
finally, she says. . . . . . . "You."
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
