The Church Plaque

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed Little Johnny was staring up at
the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year-
old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked
up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.

"Sir, what is this?" Little Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service,"
replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly,
"Which one, sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"

Puzzle

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please come over
and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out
how to start it."

Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"

The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he
heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to
where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.

He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not
going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the
picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to rel ax, have a cup of
coffee, and put all these Kellog's Frosted

Flakes back in the box."

Brown Eye

Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.

Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

The Family Dentist

A husband and wife enter a dentist's office. The Wife says, "I want a
tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible
hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," says the dentist, "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth and show the
dentist which tooth it is, dear."

Swallowed A Mouse

A man swallowed a mouse while sleeping on the couch one day. His wife
quickly called the doctor and said, "Doctor, please come quickly. My
husband just swallowed a mouse and he's gagging and thrashing about."

"I'll be right over," the doctor said. "In the meantime, keep waving a
piece of cheese over his mouth to try to attract the mouse up and out
of there."

When the doctor arrived, he saw the wife waving a piece of smoked
herring over her husband's mouth.

"Uhh, I told you to use cheese, not herring, to lure the mouse."

"I know, doc," she replied, "but first I've got to get the darn cat out of him!"

51 Days!!!

Two blondes walk into a bar, each orders a drink.

They go and sit down and start toasting and cheering, "51 days! 51 days!!"

About five minutes later, another blonde walks in, orders a drink, and
joins the other two in the cheering. Finally, another blonde walks in
with what looks like a cardboard picture.

She puts the picture thing in the middle of the table, and starts
cheering with the others, "51 days! 51 days!! The Bar Tender starts
too get really curious, so he walks over to discover that the picture
is a Cookie Monster puzzle. He walks over to one of the blondes and
asks, "What on earth are you doing??" "Well," the blonde says,
"everyone thinks blondes are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On
the box of this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only
51 days!!!

Gas Attack

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem." "A gas problem?" replied the doctor.

"Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent gas emissions.

"Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (blush) four silent gas emissions.

"Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"

"Well," said the doctor, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test!"

Cynical Meanings

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Alligator Hunting

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted
a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very
reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of
the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch
my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out
and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on
catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the
young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just
then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She
takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it
on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead
creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the
alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one
isn't wearing any shoes either!"