Memories and Good Fortune

An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. 

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked,so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved, "I love you,Sally." 

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it,they took it home. There, she counted the money. It totaled fifty thousand dollars. 

Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. 

The next day two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money,and knock on the door. "Pardon me,but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" 

Sally said, "No." 

Andy said, "She's lying.She hid it up in the attic." 

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." 

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning." 

Andy said, "Well,when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..." 

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here!!!"

Giving Out Years

On the first day, God created the dog and said: 

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." 

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" 

So God agreed. 

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." 

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform.How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" 

And God agreed. 

On the third day, God created the cow and said: 

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." 

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" 

And God agreed again. 

On the fourth day, God created man and said: 

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." 

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" 

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it." 

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. 

For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. 

For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. 

And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Dress Code

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. 

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. 

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?" 

The man replied, "That's one of the benefits you get of owning the company."

Shark

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat. 

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!" 

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?" 

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?" 

The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again. 

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back. 

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."