Made of bricks!

Tom was walking down the street with his girl friend...they stopped to
look into an jewelry store window....his girl friend said "honey would
you get that big diamond ring for me?" Tom picked up a brick and threw
it through the window and grabbed the Diamond ring for her. They
walked a little further hand and hand when they came up to a
department store window with a fur coat in the window. She said, "Tom
would you get that fur coat me?" Tom threw another brick through the
window and got the Fur coat for her. As they walked a little further
they came upon a store with a liitle black puppy in the pet store
window. "Oh! Tom I would love to have that little puppy in the window"
Tom said, "You must think I am made of bricks!"

Physics

As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend
towards legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings
on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must
also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however
well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really
necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of
the findings of 20th century physics.

We therefore propose that the following list of warnings appears on
every product offered for sale in the United States.

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85
Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically
Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred
Million Miles Per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is
Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both
Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. (Note: This
one is optional on the grounds that Heisenburg was never quite sure
that his principle was correct)

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through
a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously
Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place
in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer
Will Not Be Responsible for Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon,
the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of
99.999999999% Empty Space.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the
Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist
or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since
Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative
to the User.

Good news first

The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have some good
news and some bad news."

Dan said, "Give me the good news."

"Well..." the doctor started. "They're going to name a disease after you."

Fire Chief's uniform

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station,
was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of
schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the
bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said,
"Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the
next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he
got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the
druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"

Prayer

One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent
river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to
do it.

The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength
to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and
he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me
the strength and ability to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a
rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he
also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, ability,
and intelligence to cross this river." And Poof! God turned him into a
woman. She looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.

Praying

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week
before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to
say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of
his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."

"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."

"I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said,
"Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied,

"No, but Grandma is!"
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