Whiskey

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of
his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with
him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the
husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one
shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately
spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know
how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out
enjoying myself every night!"

Viruses

Coming to a hard drive near you, the worst computer viruses yet:

-- AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service
you're getting.

-- MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying
too much for AT&T virus.

-- Paul Revere Virus: Warns of impending hard disk attack--once if by
LAN, twice if by C:\>.

-- Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus." Instead,
it's an "electronic microorganism."

-- Government Spokesman Virus: Nothing works but all your diagnos- tic
software says everything is fine,

Jesus christ, God all mighty!!

A boy was walking home from getting groceries when he slipped and fell in the mud. He shouted: "Jesus christ, God all mighty!!" A church minister happened to be passing through, with his hands at his hips and his brows curled, with a stern voice he demanded: "What did you say, young man!?" Tthe boy, shaken, surprised and embarrassed at being caught, quickly thought his escape, replied: "Ahhhm, cheese and crackers got all muddy!"

Dementia Test

Test for Dementia Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question.
You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer
all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really
are.

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What
position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely
wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you
are second! To answer the second question, don't take as much time as
you took for the first question.

Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are
wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

Third Question:

Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT
use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to
it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20.
Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total? Scroll down for
answer.

Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe
it? Check with your calculator!

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Nunu?

NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again...

Retirement

For over 40 years, my grandfather put in long hours at his job, so I
was more than a little curious about the way he filled his days since
his retirement. "How has life changed?"

A man of few words, he replied, "Well I get up in the morning with
nothing to do, and I go to bed at night with it half done."

How did u loose your eye???

A pirate goes into a bar and the bartender says: "Long time since I've
seen you, man, you look terrible." The pirate says: "I feel fine."

The bartender says: "Well, you didn't have that wooden leg last time I
saw you." "Well, I got into a battle and a cannon ball hit me in the
leg, but I'm ok."

"Well, you didn't have that hook on your arm either." The pirate says:
"Got in a sword fight and lost my hand."

The bartender says: "What about the eye patch?" The pirate replies:
"Well, a bunch of sea gulls flew over the boat and when I looked up
one of them shit on my eye." The bartender says: "How did that make
you lose your eye?" The pirate replies: "It was the first day with the
hook."

Instead of a Nursing Home

There will be no nursing home in my future........

When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise
Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have
checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount
and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the
restaurant, or I can have room service ( which means I can have
breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free
washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra
$5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress
replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your
inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on
Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will
upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama
Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to
go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a
nursing home, just call shore to ship.

Lying Politician

A politician was running for re-election and was talking at a campaign
stop to his constituents.

"My opponent has called me a liar. Rest assured, I have never lied to
you. The only problem I have is that the facts don't always match up
with what I believe."

'Bad dog!'"

A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple
scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked:
"That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?" After quickly
downing his drink the man replied: "I got home and found my wife in
bed with my best friend. "Wow", exclaimed the bartender as he poured
the man a second triple scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink.
This one's on the house."

As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him: "So
what did you do?" "I walked over to my wife", the man replied, "looked
her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. I told her
to pack her stuff and to get the hell out." "That makes sense," said
the bartender, "but what about your best friend?" "I walked over to
him, looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad dog!'"