Teacher Arrested...

We found this funny because of the play on words...

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to
be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while
in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule,
and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the U.S. attorney general said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," the attorney general said. "They desire
average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on
tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names
like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have
determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval
with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles
used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President George W. Bush said,
"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He
would have given us more fingers and toes!!!"

Bachelor Wisdom

Bachelor cooking is a matter of attitude. If you think of it as
setting fire to things and making a mess, it's fun. However, it's not
so great if you think of it as dinner...

Nomenclature is an important part of bachelor cooking. If you call it
"Italian cheese toast," it's not disgusting to have warmed-over pizza
for breakfast.

Sinking Ship

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He
called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"

One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."

"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our
life jackets - we're one short."

Anything Good?

Our family owned restaurant is the setting for many of our discussions
about how to handle the customer who asks, "What's good tonight?"

Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn't think was good. I
braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question
posed to my husband.

He calmly replied, "Anything over $13.95."

To get my teeth

An elderly couple lie in bed. The women said: "Remember, when we were
dating you used to kiss me on the cheek." So the man rolls over and
kisses her cheek. Just about asleep when the woman says: "Remember
when you used to nibble on my ear." The man climbs out of bed; and
stomp's out of the bedroom. The woman says: "Honey, where are you
going." The old man says: "To get my teeth."

Chaos

A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang. In
going to answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed for something to
hold on to and seized the telephone table. It fell over with a crash,
jarring the receiver off the hook.

As it fell, it hit the family dog, which leaped up, howling and
barking. The woman's three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke
into loud screams. The woman mumbled some colourful words. She finally
managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time
to hear her husband's voice on the other end say, "Nobody's said hello
yet, but I'm positive I have the right number."

LADIES WHO LUNCH

A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet
for lunch. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the
Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and
nice bums.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they
should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was
very good, the wine selection was good also, and the waiters were
cute.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they
should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there
in peace and quiet, the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean,
and the waiters were sweet boys.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they
should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was
wheel chair accessible, they even had an elevator, and the waiters
were kind.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they
should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been
there before.

Pay for the Food

There was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was next door to a very
upscale French restaurant.

Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back
of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of
Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the
restaurant's kitchen.

One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the
mail from the adjoining restaurant for "enjoyment of food"

Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that
he had not bought a thing from them.

The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for
it." The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court.

At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side
of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits
outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear
that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to
be compensated for it."

The judge turned to Mike and said, "What do you have to say to that?"
The old Irishman didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in
his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?" The Irishman
replied with a mile wide grin, - "I'm paying for the smell of his food
with the sound of my money."

Secret to A Long and Happy Marriage

At All Saints Lutheran Church they have a weekly husband's marriage
seminar. At the session last week, the Pastor asked Ole, who was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same
woman all these years.

"Well, - Ole replied to the assembled husbands, - I've tried to treat
her nice, spend money on her, but best of all I took her to Norway for
the 20th anniversary!" The Pastor responded: "Ole, you are an amazing
inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are
planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary." Ole proudly
replied: "I'm a-gonna go get her."

Ever Rain?

A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?"

A rancher quickly answered, "Yes, it does."

"When?" asked the visitor.

"Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days
and 40 nights?"

The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."

"Well," the rancher puffed up, "we got about half an inch that time."