New Principal

As a new school principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. 

Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox. 

Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?" 

The Custodian looked at him gravely... "We trust them with the children, don't we?"

10 Guinness' in 10 Minutes

An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes."

Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations. One guy even leaves the bar.

A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"

"Sure," he says.

So the bartender lines 10 Guinness' up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.

As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?"

The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."

Good Night, Good Bye

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa." 

The father said, "Why did you say good-bye to Grandpa?" 

The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." 

The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this -- "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. 

My goodness, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. 

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the Dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." 

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. 

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" 

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." 

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."

High Blood Pressure

When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family." 

"Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked. 

"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family." 

"Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?" 

He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

Fixing an Ailment

Fixing an Ailment

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning. 

When Patty came into the office, she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor. "Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her. 

The first question was this: "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?" "I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought. "What would happen if I poked out the other eye?" "I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom. The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files. 

When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?" "I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told. 

This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?" "I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed. 

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."