The Elephant and the Turtle

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river. 

"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe. 

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago." 

"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe. 

"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".

Railroad Accident

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court. 

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed. 

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination." 

"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried." 

"How's that?" the lawyer asked. 

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"

Newly Issued Alcohol Warnings

The American Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage. 

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away. 

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. 

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you 

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. 

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him. 

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead. 

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.