Merit entrance into Heaven?

A New York divorce lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint
Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The lawyer thought for a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a
quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a
moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough
to get you into Heaven."

The lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago I also
gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back,
affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we
do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter:

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Spooky Pookie

There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients
always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m.,
regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something
to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery... as to
why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.

So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause
of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11
a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see
for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were
holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward
off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday
sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so
that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Balance?

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel,
found him, resting on the seventh day.He inquired of God. "Where have
you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to
call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example,
northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while
southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a
continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black
people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different
countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be
very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area
and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on
earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes,
forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State
are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they
are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely
sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known
throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What
about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled,

"There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."

Valuable Book

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had
just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He
happened to mention that Guten-somebody- or-other had printed it.

"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!"

"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A
copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!"

"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to
that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins
by some clown named Martin Luther."

Conducter

A conductor was having a lot of trouble with a drummer. He constantly
gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance
simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he took a
critical jab at the drummer,

"When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve
when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks,
and make him a drummer -- which must be why you play the drums."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section,

"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks
and make him a conductor."

Golfing...

Moses and Jesus are part of a Threesome playing golf one day. Moses
pulls up to the tee and drives a long one. The ball lands on the
fairway, but rolls directly toward a water trap. Quickly, Moses raises
his club, the water parts, and the ball rolls to the other side, safe
and sound.

Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly
toward the same water trap. It lands right in the center of the pond
and kind of hovers over the water. Jesus casually walks out on the
water and chips the ball right up onto the green.

Then, the third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It
heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street.
It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there, it bounces
onto the roof of a shack close by and rolls down into the gutter, down
the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the fore
mentioned pond.

On the way to the pond, the ball hits a little stone and bounces out
over the water and onto a lily pad, where it comes quietly to rest.
Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumps on the lily pad and snatches the
ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swoops down, grabs the frog
and flies away. As they pass over the green, the frog squeals with
fright and drops the ball, which bounces right into the hole for a
beautiful hole in one.

Moses leans over toward Jesus and whispers, "Do you think your Dad
would teach me that shot?"

Difference?

A guy takes his ill and aging wife in to the doctor's office.

After a full examination, the doc tells the guy it's one of two things.

The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimer's disease or AIDS."

"What do you mean," the guy says. "Can't you tell the difference?"

"Well," says the Doc, "the two look a lot alike in the early stages.
Tell you what ya should do...Drive her way out into the country, kick
her out of the car, and if she finds her way back... don't have sex
with her anymore!"

About 10 minutes ago

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter
explains that it's not so easy to get in heaven. There are some
criteria before entry is allowed.

St. Peter asked the man, "Were you religious in life? Did you attend
church services?"

"No."

St. Peter told him, "That's bad. Were you generous? Did you give money
to the poor? To charities?"

"No."

"That too is bad. Did you do any good deeds? Helped your neighbor? Anything?"

"No."

St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, St. Peter said, "Look, everybody does something nice
sometimes. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man said, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and
found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her
purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so
mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse
back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest,
baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was
and then spat in his face".

"Wow," said Peter. "That's impressive. When did this happen?"

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago," replied the man.

Having a Bad Day?

Having a Bad Day?

Well, then, consider this..............

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same
bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their
medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do
with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the
deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of
experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the
doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for
themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were
holding wooden crossses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward
off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday
sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he
could use the vacuum cleaner.