5th Graders

About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their way home from a school trip. Once we were in the air, and the crew began serving drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep. 

No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until I thought of the solution that actually worked. I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced, "Children, this is the captain speaking. Don't make me stop this airplane and come back there!"

"Under The Sea"

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments. Here are some of them -- the funny ones. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years... 

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7) 

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie age 6) 

A dolphin breaths through an a**hole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8) 

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7) 

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6) 

Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7) 

On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7 )

Things your Mother would NEVER say

-- Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too. 

-- Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day. 

-- That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse. 

-- Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper. 

-- The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here. 

-- Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad. 

-- Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs? 

-- Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.

Understanding Men

1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. 

2. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relation- ship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even retired General Schwartzkopf. 

3. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. 

4. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. 

5. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. 

6. Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think about it! How many women's sports use something called an "instant replay?" 

7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. 

8. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant. 

9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo." 

10. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

Ransom

A Yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at 10 o'clock the next day if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again. 

He didn't arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and growled, "What the hell took ya so long ? You're over two hours late." 

"Hey ! Give me a break." whined the Yuppie. "I have a 27 handicap."

Got Bugs?

My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company. 

One of the rules of the company is that he has to comfirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household. 

One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, "Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us." 

There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, "Honey, it's for you....someone wants to talk to you about your relatives."

Working Hard at Saying Nothing

"The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city." 

"My knowledge is no match for his ignorance." 

"As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state." 

"These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about." 

"People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on." 

"In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema."