Whiskey

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of
his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with
him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the
husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one
shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately
spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know
how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out
enjoying myself every night!"

Viruses

Coming to a hard drive near you, the worst computer viruses yet:

-- AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service
you're getting.

-- MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying
too much for AT&T virus.

-- Paul Revere Virus: Warns of impending hard disk attack--once if by
LAN, twice if by C:\>.

-- Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus." Instead,
it's an "electronic microorganism."

-- Government Spokesman Virus: Nothing works but all your diagnos- tic
software says everything is fine,

Jesus christ, God all mighty!!

A boy was walking home from getting groceries when he slipped and fell in the mud. He shouted: "Jesus christ, God all mighty!!" A church minister happened to be passing through, with his hands at his hips and his brows curled, with a stern voice he demanded: "What did you say, young man!?" Tthe boy, shaken, surprised and embarrassed at being caught, quickly thought his escape, replied: "Ahhhm, cheese and crackers got all muddy!"

Dementia Test

Test for Dementia Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question.
You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer
all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really
are.

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What
position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely
wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you
are second! To answer the second question, don't take as much time as
you took for the first question.

Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are
wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

Third Question:

Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT
use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to
it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20.
Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total? Scroll down for
answer.

Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe
it? Check with your calculator!

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Nunu?

NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again...

Retirement

For over 40 years, my grandfather put in long hours at his job, so I
was more than a little curious about the way he filled his days since
his retirement. "How has life changed?"

A man of few words, he replied, "Well I get up in the morning with
nothing to do, and I go to bed at night with it half done."