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Funeral Procession

Mike, an avid golfer, was teeing up for a very difficult shot.
At that moment, a funeral procession went by. Mike stopped,
stood still with his hat over his heart, and bowed his head. His
golfing partner looked at him and said, “Mike, that was kind
and decent of you to show such respect for the dead.”
Mike replied, “Yes, we would have been married twenty-six
years come tomorrow.”

 Bullish on Trousers

Why did the golfer take an extra pair of pants when he went
out on the golf course?
Just in case he got a hole in one.

Tough Round

A man comes home after a terrible round of golf, his worst
ever. He plops down on the couch in front of the television and
tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before
it starts.” She looks cross but fetches another beer and slams
it down next to him. He fi nishes that beer and a few minutes
later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start
any minute.”
The wife is furious. She yells at him, “You’ve been out golfi ng
all day! Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and
sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat
slob, and furthermore…”
The man sighs and says, “It’s started…”

I Thought You Were My Wife

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up
her skirt and began fondling her. 

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Farting All The Time

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."