Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

I resolve to work with neglected children. (my own). 

I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail. 

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!" 

I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number. 

I will balance my checkbook. (on my nose). 

I will think of a password for my computer other than "password." 

I will try to figure out why I "really" need 11 e-mail addresses. 

I will go into McDonald''s and order a McSpreader 

I will go into McDonald''s and order a McSlurry 

I will find out why the correspondence course on "Mail Fraud" that I purchased never showed up.

How to Quit Smoking

Peter, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette. 

'I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking,' Ken responds. 'I'm in the process of quitting,' replies Peter with a grin. 'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.' 

'Phase one?' wonders Ken. 

'Yeah,' replied Peter, 'I've quit buying.'

Only Three Doors

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. 

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" 

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Santa Stats

There are currently 78 people named S. Claus living in the U.S. -- and one Kriss Kringle. (You gotta wonder about that one kid's parents) 

December is the most popular month for nose jobs. 

Weight of Santa's sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby for every kid on earth: 333,333 tons. 

Number of reindeer required to pull a 333,333-ton s sleigh: 214,206 -- plus Rudolph. 

Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour. With real beard: $20. 

To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to make 822.6 visits per second, sleighing at 3,000 times the speed of sound. 

At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame instantaneously.

LOL...:))

Lady On Phone: "Hi Sir, I want To Meet & Talk To You. You Are The Father Of One Of My Kids." Man Is Stunned and says: "Oh my God!" R U Jessica? No. Pamela? No. Anna? No Christina? No. Joella? No. Elissa? No. Lady in confusion: "Sir, I am The Class Teacher Of Your Son."