Catholic dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. 

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" 

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, an there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature." 

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" 

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Blonde on the Sun

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. 

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" 

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" 

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" 

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun. You'll burn up!" said the Russian. 

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

It All Makes Sense Now...

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives, sales people, accountants and especially liberal arts majors." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two well known postulates: 

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money. As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time. 

Since: Knowledge = Power, then Knowledge = Work / Time, and Time = Money, then Knowledge = Work / Money. 

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge. 

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Catching the Chickens

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. 

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

The Homone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands. Following is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!. 

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? 
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? 
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? 
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. 

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that? 
SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown! 
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you! 
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate 

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? 
SAFER: Could we be overreacting? 
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck. 
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. 

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? 
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. 
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? 
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. 

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day? 
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today. 
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe! 
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.