was more than a little curious about the way he filled his days since
his retirement. "How has life changed?"
A man of few words, he replied, "Well I get up in the morning with
nothing to do, and I go to bed at night with it half done."
Retirement
was more than a little curious about the way he filled his days since
his retirement. "How has life changed?"
How did u loose your eye???
seen you, man, you look terrible." The pirate says: "I feel fine."
The bartender says: "Well, you didn't have that wooden leg last time I
saw you." "Well, I got into a battle and a cannon ball hit me in the
leg, but I'm ok."
"Well, you didn't have that hook on your arm either." The pirate says:
"Got in a sword fight and lost my hand."
The bartender says: "What about the eye patch?" The pirate replies:
"Well, a bunch of sea gulls flew over the boat and when I looked up
one of them shit on my eye." The bartender says: "How did that make
you lose your eye?" The pirate replies: "It was the first day with the
hook."
Instead of a Nursing Home
When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise
Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have
checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount
and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the
restaurant, or I can have room service ( which means I can have
breakfast in bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free
washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra
$5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress
replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your
inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on
Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will
upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama
Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to
go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a
nursing home, just call shore to ship.
Lying Politician
stop to his constituents.
"My opponent has called me a liar. Rest assured, I have never lied to
you. The only problem I have is that the facts don't always match up
with what I believe."
'Bad dog!'"
scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked:
"That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?" After quickly
downing his drink the man replied: "I got home and found my wife in
bed with my best friend. "Wow", exclaimed the bartender as he poured
the man a second triple scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink.
This one's on the house."
As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him: "So
what did you do?" "I walked over to my wife", the man replied, "looked
her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. I told her
to pack her stuff and to get the hell out." "That makes sense," said
the bartender, "but what about your best friend?" "I walked over to
him, looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad dog!'"
