Ordering Coffee

John and Jake went into a diner that looked as though it had seen
better days. As they slid in to a booth, John wiped some crumbs from
the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some mustard from the table.
The waitress, in a dirty uniform, came over and asked if they wanted
some menus.

"No thanks," said John, "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."

"I'll have black coffee, too," Jake said. "And please make sure the
cup is clean."

The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off in to
the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back.

"Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted
the clean cup?"

Chowder

I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly dressed woman
spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She
began furiously dabbing at it with a napkin.

Having plenty of experience with getting out feed stains, I asked,
"Can I bring you some club soda?"

"Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've had enough
to drink. Bring me another martini!"

[Reader's Digest.]

Signing Checks

Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school
and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never
learned to read, so when he married and started a checking account, he
signed his checks simply "XX".

Eventually he started his own business, which immediately prospered.

He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank.
"Mr. Schwartz," said the banker, "I need to ask you about this check.
We weren't sure you had really signed it. All these years you've been
signing your checks 'XX', but we just got one that was signed with
three XXX's..."

Mr. Schwartz answered, "No problem, my friend. It's just that since
I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle
name."

Blind Date

Joe sets up his friend Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of
a friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with
someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's ugly?" says
Mike, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first.
If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you
don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack. That'll
give you an excuse to cancel the date right then and there."

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out
he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. He's about to speak
when the girl suddenly shouts:

"Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"

Which one is married?

Teacher:- "Right, there are five birds sitting on a telephone line. A
farmer comes along with his gun and shoots one of them. How many are
left?"

Little Johnny:- "None Miss".

Teacher:- "Could you tell me why?"

Little Johnny:- "Well Miss, when the farmer shot the bird, the sound
of the gun would have frightened the other birds away".

Teacher:- "Well, the answer I was looking for was four. But I like
your thinking."

Little Johnny:- "Miss, while we're asking questions, could I ask you one?"

Teacher:- "Its a bit irregular, but go on then"

Little Johnny:- "There are three women sitting on a bench in the park,
eating ice lollies. One of them is licking the lolly; one is biting
it; and one is putting it in and out of her mouth. Which one is
married?"