My Wife Left Me

Fred called his friend in tears. “I can’t believe it,” he sobbed.
“My wife left me for my golfi ng partner.”
“Get a hold of yourself, man,” said his friend. “There are
plenty of other women out there.”
“Who’s talking about her?” said Fred. “He was the only guy
that I could ever beat!”

Who Do You Think You Are?

Jesus and Arnold Palmer are playing golf. Arnold tees off. It’s
a long drive straight up the fairway, and he’s about a 5-iron off
the green.
“Not bad,” Jesus says. Jesus steps up to tee off, but his
drive slices badly and lands on an island in the middle of a
water hazard. Jesus calmly walks across the water to take his
next shot.
“Jesus!” yells Palmer, “who do you think you are,
Jack Nicklaus?”

I’ll Sue You

A golfer is ready to tee off, when a golfer in the adjacent
fairway hits him square in the face with his golf ball.
“Idiot! Your ball hit me in the eye! I’ll sue you for fi ve
million dollars!”
The other golfer replied, “I said ‘fore!’”
The fi rst golfer then said, “I’ll take it!”

Stop Checking the Time

“Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddie.
It’s distracting!”
“This isn’t a watch, sir. It’s a compass!”

He’s Not My Caddie

Rich Texans are fabled for their grand style, but when one oil
tycoon appeared at a local British golf course followed by a
servant pulling a foam-cushioned chaise lounge, his opponents
thought that this was taking style too far.
“J.R., are you going to make that poor caddie lug that couch
all over the course after you?” they asked him.
“Caddie, my eye,” explained J.R. “That’s my psychiatrist.”

Funeral Procession

Mike, an avid golfer, was teeing up for a very difficult shot.
At that moment, a funeral procession went by. Mike stopped,
stood still with his hat over his heart, and bowed his head. His
golfing partner looked at him and said, “Mike, that was kind
and decent of you to show such respect for the dead.”
Mike replied, “Yes, we would have been married twenty-six
years come tomorrow.”

 Bullish on Trousers

Why did the golfer take an extra pair of pants when he went
out on the golf course?
Just in case he got a hole in one.

Tough Round

A man comes home after a terrible round of golf, his worst
ever. He plops down on the couch in front of the television and
tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before
it starts.” She looks cross but fetches another beer and slams
it down next to him. He fi nishes that beer and a few minutes
later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start
any minute.”
The wife is furious. She yells at him, “You’ve been out golfi ng
all day! Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and
sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat
slob, and furthermore…”
The man sighs and says, “It’s started…”