A Blonde is Overweight

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. 

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." 

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. 

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" 

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor. 

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

Tech Support

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. There, he deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people. 

The best call came from Bubba, who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille." 

He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him. 

"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. 

After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number. 

"She leaves her name," was the reply. 

After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. 

"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked. 

"L-O-W C-E-L-L" 

Another technical problem solved.

Animal Sounds

A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions. 

"Davey, what sound does a cow make?" 
Davey replied, "It goes 'moo'." 

"Alice, what sound does a cat make?"
Alice said, "It goes 'meow'." 

"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa'." 

"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh... it goes... 'click'!"

The Deep Hole

These two guys out hunting find a hole in the woods that's about three feet across, but it's so deep that when they drop a rock, they hear no sound. So they drop a bigger rock, but they still hear nothing. 

So they go looking for something larger, and they find a railroad tie, haul it over to the hole, and heave it in. It also disappears without a sound. 

Suddenly a goat comes running up at about sixty miles an hour and dives headfirst into the hole. And there's still no sound. Nothing. 

Suddenly a farmer appears from the woods and says, "HEY! You fellas seen my goat around here?" 

And they say, "Well, there was a goat just ran by here real fast and dove into this hole here." 

"Naw," says the farmer, "that couldn't be my goat. My goat was tied up to a railroad tie."

Medical Problem

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. 

The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." 

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?" 

The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."