Cat Rules of Hampering

If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering": 

1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. It's even funnier when they try to avoid stepping on you and fall into a counter or table. 

2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. 

3. For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. 

4. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper.

Foiled Carjacking

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her lungs that she "knows how to use it and will shoot if required.... so get out of MY car!" 

The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat. 

Small problem: Her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces further down. 

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly, white woman. 

No charges were filed.

Get Your Own

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. 

The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost?" 

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!" 

But, God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." 

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. 

God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt."

New Principal

As a new school principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. 

Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox. 

Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?" 

The Custodian looked at him gravely... "We trust them with the children, don't we?"

10 Guinness' in 10 Minutes

An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes."

Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations. One guy even leaves the bar.

A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"

"Sure," he says.

So the bartender lines 10 Guinness' up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.

As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?"

The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."