Good Night, Good Bye

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa." 

The father said, "Why did you say good-bye to Grandpa?" 

The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." 

The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this -- "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. 

My goodness, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. 

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the Dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." 

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. 

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" 

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." 

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."

High Blood Pressure

When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family." 

"Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked. 

"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family." 

"Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?" 

He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

Fixing an Ailment

Fixing an Ailment

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning. 

When Patty came into the office, she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor. "Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her. 

The first question was this: "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?" "I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought. "What would happen if I poked out the other eye?" "I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom. The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files. 

When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?" "I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told. 

This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?" "I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed. 

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."

How Government Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job. 

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11). 

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports. 

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people. 

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" 

So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08). 

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost," so they laid off the night watchman.

Kids Understand Love

Since a very long time ago, people have searched for the meaning of love. But even the great philosophers, with their profound definitions, could not fully touch its true essence. In a survey of 4-8 year olds, kids share their views on love. But what do little kids know about love? Read on and be surprised that despite their young and innocent minds, kids already have a simple but deep grasp of that four-letter word. 

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." 

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." 

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at him because you know it would hurt his feelings." 

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." 

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." 

"Love is if you hold hands and sit beside each other in the cafeteria. That means you're in love. Otherwise, you can sit across from each other and be okay." 

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redbird." 

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." 

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." 

"You can break love, but it won't die."