Using the ATM

I rode home with a co-worker a few days ago and I asked her to wait for me while I used the ATM machine. She asked if I trusted "those people". 

"People WHO?" I asked. 

She said, "The ATM people! You know how the ATM operates by having a person inside the box. Every time you put in your card, he takes it, looks at it, and checks his paper files and folders for your account number. Here he can find your PIN and check the balance. This person then asks you to ENTER your PIN, cross checks it, and if all matches, you can proceed. If not, he keeps your card. 

"If you ask for a statement, he types it from his books and you get the printout. If you ask for a withdrawal, he checks the balance and any restrictions, and if all is ok, gives you the amount. He then calls all of the other branches and ATMs, tells them how much you've with- drawn, so they can update THEIR books."

Bad Day

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Battling Egos

A bishop, a judge, and a conductor were discussing their careers, and got into an argument about which of them was the greatest. 

The judge said, "When I step into the courtroom, everyone stands to pay me respect." 

The bishop said, "They stand? I have people kneel before me and kiss my ring." 

To which the conductor replied, "Ha! I got you both beat. When I step on the podium people look down, cover their eyes, and say 'Oh my God!'

Ahmed the Manager

After one of the machines at work suddenly went on the fritz, our boss called the repair service and asked to speak to the manager, Ahmed. 

"Hello, Ed speaking. How can I help you?" said the guy who answered the phone. 

"Sorry," said my boss. "I was looking for Ahmed." 

"This is Ahmed," came the reply. "How can I help you?" 

"I thought you just said your name was Ed?" asked my boss. 

"It is. But whenever I say 'Ahmed,' people think I'm saying, 'I'm Ed.' So I figured it's just easier to be Ed."

Playpen

The young mom was almost crazy with her three young kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts!! Such pests. They give me no rest and I'm half way to the funny farm." 

"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said. 

So she bought a playpen A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going. 

"Superb! I can't believe it," the young mother said. 

"I get in that pen with a good book, a chocolate bar, and the kids don't bother me for hours!"