Silent Treatment

Mike and Joan were having some problems at home and were giving each other the "silent treatment." But then Mike realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning drive with some pals to go golfing. 

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so lose the 'war'), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00am." 

The next morning, Mike woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and that his friends had left for the golf course without him. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. 

The paper said, "It's 5:00 am. Wake up." 

Men simply are not equipped for these kinds of contests

Strange Lawyer

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." 

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. 

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." 

That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: 

"That's Strange!"

School Bus

It was the first day of school, after summer vacations and time for me to pick up the children in my school bus and take them home again. After I had made the complete run that afternoon, one little boy remained on the bus. 

Thinking he had simply missed his stop, I started driving slowly back through the neighborhood and asked him to be sure to let me know if any of the houses or people looked familiar. The boy sat in his seat contentedly and shook his head whenever I asked him if he recognized a person or place.

After the second unsuccessful tour of the area, I started back to the school to ask for his address. When we arrived, the child got off the bus and started walking away. "Wait!" I called. "We have to go inside and find out where you live."

"I live right there," he said, pointing to a house across the street. "I just always wanted to ride in a school bus."

Life's Darned Rules

* Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle. Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off. 

* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot. 

* Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services. 

* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale. 

* Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location. 

* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway. 

* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

Life's Zany Rules

* Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location. 

* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway. 

* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag. 

* Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle. Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off. 

* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot. 

* Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.