My Birthday?

Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard the USS
Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and given extra
duty for three weeks. Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday
on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by
reciting, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take
away my birthday." As July 22 approached, his excitement increased.
When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated,

"They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."

The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the
international date line -- and it was July 23.

Silent Treatment

Mike and Joan were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the "silent treatment." But then Mike realized that he would
need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning drive with
some pals to go golfing.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so lose the
'war'), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00am."

The next morning, Mike woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and
that his friends had left for the golf course without him. Furious, he
was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him, when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It's 5:00 am. Wake up."

Men simply are not equipped for these kinds of contests

Soap and Water

After several exciting dates, Jim invited Tina over to his house for a
home-cooked dinner.

When she sat down at the table, she noticed that the dishes were the
dirtiest that she had ever seen in her life.

"Have these dishes ever been washed?" Tina asked, running her fingers
over the grit and grime.

Jim replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

Tina felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating. It was really
delicious and she said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, Jim took the dishes outside, whistled and yelled
for his dogs, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"

Breeding Turkeys

A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a
better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and
there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating
attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his
friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I
bred a turkey that has 6 legs!" They all asked the farmer how it
tasted. "I don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn
thing!"

Math Class

The test I gave my math class covered everything we'd studied all year
-- fractions, percentages and portions of whole units.

But maybe I could have explained things better. To the question "What
portion of a foot is six inches?"

One student answered, "The toes?"