Reality T.V.

I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many
reality TV shows the day we attended a relative's wedding. As the four
bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he
turned to me and asked, "Is this where the groom decides which one he
wants to marry?"

Two Vampire Bats

One evening two vampire bats were hanging out in their cave. One said, "Man, I'm starving! I need to get some blood!" And he flew out of the cave. 

He returned about three hours later with blood dripping from his mouth. 

"Where'd you get the blood?" the other bat asked. 

"Well, you fly out of the cave, and you see the first tree on the left?" 

"Yes," the other bat replied. 

"Well, I didn't."

Blanket

A man and a woman who had never met before find themselves in the same
sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they
both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In
the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says,
"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and was wondering if
you could possibly get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and,
with a glint in her eye says "I have a better idea, just for tonight,
let's pretend that we're married!" The man says happily, "Sure. That
sounds great!" The woman says, "Good+ get your own fucking blanket!"

Smart Dog

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in
his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the
money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the
shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look
both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the
timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around
to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher
follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button,
then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes
back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!-
against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps
on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window,
jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts
cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What are you doing? This
dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my butt. It's the second time this week
he's forgotten his key!"

One Parachute

In a plane that's about to crash, there are three passengers: the
wisest man on earth, a student, and a politician.

When they find out that the plane is about to go down and there is
only one parachute between the three of them they debate about who
would sacrifice his life for the country and who will jump to safety.

The politician says he's responsible for running the country, so of
course, he should be the one to jump.

The wise man says he's got to serve mankind, so he should be the one who jumps.

The student says he is the future, and he should be the recipient of
the parachute.

As the kid speaks, the wise man grabs the bag and leaps wildly out of
the plane.

The politician is astounded, but the student remains calm.

"Why are you so calm? We're both about to die!" exclaims the politician.

The student replies, "Well wisdom just leapt out with my school bag,
so the future can hang on to politics and feel safe."