Swallowed A Mouse

A man swallowed a mouse while sleeping on the couch one day. His wife
quickly called the doctor and said, "Doctor, please come quickly. My
husband just swallowed a mouse and he's gagging and thrashing about."

"I'll be right over," the doctor said. "In the meantime, keep waving a
piece of cheese over his mouth to try to attract the mouse up and out
of there."

When the doctor arrived, he saw the wife waving a piece of smoked
herring over her husband's mouth.

"Uhh, I told you to use cheese, not herring, to lure the mouse."

"I know, doc," she replied, "but first I've got to get the darn cat out of him!"

51 Days!!!

Two blondes walk into a bar, each orders a drink.

They go and sit down and start toasting and cheering, "51 days! 51 days!!"

About five minutes later, another blonde walks in, orders a drink, and
joins the other two in the cheering. Finally, another blonde walks in
with what looks like a cardboard picture.

She puts the picture thing in the middle of the table, and starts
cheering with the others, "51 days! 51 days!! The Bar Tender starts
too get really curious, so he walks over to discover that the picture
is a Cookie Monster puzzle. He walks over to one of the blondes and
asks, "What on earth are you doing??" "Well," the blonde says,
"everyone thinks blondes are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On
the box of this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only
51 days!!!

Gas Attack

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem." "A gas problem?" replied the doctor.

"Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent gas emissions.

"Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (blush) four silent gas emissions.

"Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"

"Well," said the doctor, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test!"

Cynical Meanings

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Alligator Hunting

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted
a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very
reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of
the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch
my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out
and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on
catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the
young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just
then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She
takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it
on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead
creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the
alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one
isn't wearing any shoes either!"