Refrigerator

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to
accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St.
Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man,
"Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an
affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all
over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto
the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging
over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and
started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I
got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed
him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it
was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir,
it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the
balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped
over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below,
but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a
hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a
refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really
start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Flight to New York

A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class
cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip,
smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her.

Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says,
'Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're
seated in first class; I'm afraid you'll have to move.'

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to
New York to be a model.'

Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant.

The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, 'I'm
sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move
back.'

The blonde replies, sweetly, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm
going to New York to be a model' -- and shows no signs of moving.

Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says
he'll deal with the problem.

He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the
blonde seated comfortably in first class.

Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks
quietly into the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers
her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment.
Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, 'Captain, I'm
impressed ... what did you say to her?'

The captain grinned slyly and said, 'I just told her that the first
class cabin doesn't go to New York.'

Tell Me

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their
75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife . . . "Dear,
there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that
our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I
want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful
experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take
that all away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She
paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting
hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks
"Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she
tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. then,
finally, she says. . . . . . . "You."

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast...

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You
aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By
mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What
took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."

Elementary, My Dear Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replies, “I see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. “Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.”