I Thought You Were My Wife

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up
her skirt and began fondling her. 

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Farting All The Time

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

10 Reasons Not To Jog

1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.

2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Memory Class

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association. 

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him. 

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor. 

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?" 

"A rose?" asked the neighbor. 

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

Things Only Women Understand

10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

And the number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

Who's In Charge

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Complaint Letter

An allegedly real-life customer complaint letter sent to the NTL complaints dept..

Dear Cretins

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office: 

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive.

When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? 

I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived...

A total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%... these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were crap, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Strawberry Fertilizer

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?" 

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied. 

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy. 

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. 

"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

Going Fast

A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 1997 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. 

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?". 

The dude replies "A 1997 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000." 

"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" 

"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. 

The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?" 

"Sure" replies the owner. 

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!" 

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! 

Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe 3 times as fast! 

The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. 

Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror! 

WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. 

The guy jumps out and, indeed, it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?" 

The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"

The Happy Groom

"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life." 

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew. 

"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."

Bass Players' IQ

There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time. 

A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time. 

Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while." 

After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play French bow or German bow?"

The Four Engineers The Four Engineers The Four Engineers

One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car. 

The car broke down. 

The Mechanical Engineer said, "I think a rod broke." 

The Chemical Engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting gas." 

The Electrical Engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system." 

All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?" 

The Computer Engineer said, "I think we should all get out and get back in."

Dog Lovers

You Know You Love Dogs When... 

You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children. 

You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house, but no babies. 

The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you're at work. 

You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose-prints all over the inside. 

Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant other. 

You refer to yourselves as Mommy and Daddy. 

Your dog sleeps with you. 

You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but she understands. 

Your dog eats cat poop, but you still let her kiss you (but not immediately afterward, of course). 

You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't. 

You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times. 

You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid. 

You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your dog. 

You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable. 

You'd rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than go to the movies with your sweetie. 

You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it's one of the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog loves to go with you. 

You open your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use for pick-ups pops out. 

You get an extra-long hose on your shower-massage just so you can use it to wash your dog in the tub, without making the dog sit hip-deep in water. 

You don't think it's the least bit strange to stand in the back yard yelling, "Emily, pee!" over and over again, while Emily tends to play and forget what she's out there for (but what your neighbors think of your behavior is yet another story). 

You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day. Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the drugstore. 

Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself. 

Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog.

That's Not It

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. 

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. 

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

Will the real bride please stand up!

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man.

"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they began arguing until the King called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The man must marry the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

Over Five Years

A out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city.

Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here."

"I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the waiter with typical New York charm. "I can only serve one table at a time."

Talkative Public Bathroom

Leaving Minnesota for Colorado, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall... 

- "Hi there, how is it going?" 

Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I say: 

- "Not bad..." 

Then the voice says: 

- "So, what are you doing?" 

I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say: 

- "Well, I'm going back to Colorado..." 

Then I hear the person say all flustered: 

- "Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

I resolve to work with neglected children. (my own). 

I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail. 

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!" 

I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number. 

I will balance my checkbook. (on my nose). 

I will think of a password for my computer other than "password." 

I will try to figure out why I "really" need 11 e-mail addresses. 

I will go into McDonald''s and order a McSpreader 

I will go into McDonald''s and order a McSlurry 

I will find out why the correspondence course on "Mail Fraud" that I purchased never showed up.