Glasses?

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses." 

The woman answered "Well, I have contacts." 

The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!

A Visit from Grandmother

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. 

Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?" 

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?" 

"Yes granddaughter, it's me." 

"It's really, really you, grandmother?" the woman repeats. 

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter." 

The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?" 

"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me." 

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you." 

"Anything, my child." 

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"

The Boring Speaker

The after-dinner speaker just didn't have a Stop button. He burbled on and on and on, oblivious to his increasingly restless audience. Finally one of the more drunken diners hurled an empty wine bottle at him. It missed, and hit the Chairman instead. 

As the Chairman slid slowly to the floor clutching his head, he was heard to murmur, "Hit me again, I can still hear him."

Without Bias

Judge to the court, at the start of a case: "I have to declare an interest in this case. Last week, the plaintiff sent me a check for $10,000 to find in his favor. 

Two days later, I received $20,000 from the defendant to find in his favor. 

I have therefore sent $10,000 back to the defendant and can try the case without bias."

Wheelbarrow Bet

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. 

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." 

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." 

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, 

"All right. Get in."